by KARA ALLEN, CSU Public Relations Assistant
This year has been complex, and sometimes cruel. As we have all stumbled our way through loss and victory and change, I have found myself pulled towards writing about the wreckage. Back in February, I lost someone very dear to me. This is how I walk through.
I sat next to my acquaintance. She was tall and graceful. When she walked into a room, people stopped to stare at her. She halted conversations as we smelled her rosey perfume. She talked to me often, and she wouldn’t stop when she did. It seemed as if she was everywhere I went, and it made me fearful. Her presence was all-consuming to me. Distracting. She was a nuisance to me and my focus, and so I talked to my friends about her. “We call her Anger”, they told me with a hint of disdain. I looked at them with curiosity. I responded, “If her name is Anger, why does she only bother me?” They stared at me in silence for a minute and looked at each other. My friend put her hand on my shoulder. “It’ll be okay. Just give it some time”. Anger bought me coffee. She wanted to be friends. A cold press. My favorite. Maybe she isn’t so bad, I thought. I should give her a fair chance. I tried to figure out her love language. I assumed it was quality time, as she seemed to want my attention so often. I invited her over. She was ecstatic. But when she came over, she left me alone. She wouldn’t talk to me; she just sat and stared. “You’re alone.” she said to me. I looked at her in confusion. “Then why are you here? I wanted to be with you. I want to be friends. It seemed as though you wanted the same.” She gave me a crooked smile. “Well, I’m honest. I always have been. And, I wanted you to remember that you’re alone.” I sat and stared at her in frustration. “I’ll sit here with you, friend,” she said. “But you are alone. And that won’t change.” Anger and I saw a lot of each other after that, as much as I tried to avoid her. “I don’t think you’re real.” I said to her in the hallway. She put her hand on my shoulder and said, “ Wouldn’t that be easier?” Anger saw me crying in the bathroom as I scrolled through pictures on my phone. Anger sat down next to me. Anger told me that she would never leave my side. Anger became my best friend. Anger was always there for me when no one else was. I hated her, but I needed her. Some people told me that they were really sorry when they saw Anger and I together. But Anger and I spent years together. We shared a lot of pain together. We liked to be alone together. I think that Anger tried to fill a hole in me. Anger and I liked to replay memories together. We liked to be quiet when we hung out. Anger was steadfast. But Anger also made me lose focus. After a while, Anger said it was time for us to be together a little less. Heartbroken and anxious, I asked why. “I’ll never really stop being your companion.” she said softly. “You and I are friends." “But you haven’t understood me as well as you thought all this time.” “My name is really Grief,” she said. “I will be back soon." RETURN to the inSIDER
Kara Allen is a CSU Public Relations Assistant and is currently a Senior studying Communications at Minnesota State Mankato. Kara is from Grand Rapids, MN and has grown up loving to write in her free time; finding the hidden idiosyncrasies within herself through the writing. She plans on pursuing a career in Public Relations for the U.S. Army and continuing on with writing for enjoyment.